My only thoughts are to ask you, rather than driving into what is ultimately for most of us a bottomless pit to attempt to excavate the reasons why or how or what we are and how we ended up this way, is this:?what do your happier, better days look like? Not in terms of presentation but what are the elements that make it a day where you feel happier, less anxious, more certain and more like ‘yourself’? Those things can give you an inkling of the path to follow. If it’s when you don’t overthink things, when you allow the ambiguity to sit there but not dictate the proceedings so that you don’t feel like you have to decide anything definitively to have a good day, then so be it. Doing what? makes you feel most like you, regardless or outside the scope of gender? Having a few gemini placements myself and a gemini daughter I know it can be hard to drill down what’s the best decision for you, but I have always seen versatility as a strength as well as keeping my options open (feeling everything is set in concrete just depresses me) so perhaps making a decision for a day, each and every day, is a more positive, more in keeping strategy for you. And hey, you get to choose something everyday. Also ask yourself, do I really owe anyone in my life who doesn’t already know my history the knowledge of my birth assigned gender? If they are happy just knowing the you of today, isn’t that enough? Of course in more intimate relationships it will come up, but day to day is it that you feel you’re letting The side down, or is it a case of just wanting to ‘live your truth’? But aren’t you already doing that regardless of whether others have the nitty gritty details? Most of us have messy unresolved personal soft spots, so please don’t add those to the list of things that you think make you weird, that’s juu it at the human condition. Also sounds like you do have low self esteem, don’t wait to feel validated and seen only when it’s through the appreciative male gaze, make space for yourself and develop and strengthen friendships where people value you for things other than just triggering their own pleasure centres. You’re worth more than that. Perhaps focussing on resolving that will lead to a natural resolution of your gender questions, once you feel a stronger sense of individual independence, integration and self worth. God sorry to go on like someone’s nana. All the best.